Love is bullsh*t: The damage

This entry was written in 2015, after an agonising heartbreak

A woman in love is such an over-romanticised idea. I blame Barbra Streisand.

We are sold on the notion that drawing someone into our world and keeping them there is the ultimate romantic endeavour. But at what cost? Why should we embrace a concept that seems inherently self-destructive?

Don't get me wrong - the pain isn't attributed to the struggle. The struggle is perhaps the easiest bit. Women can handle the menacing pain — the physical, the mental, and the emotional — of the hormonal-effin'-agony that comes with monthly Eve's curse — we sure can handle the struggle of loving someone.

The deeper pain stems from self-degradation. Too often, women in love experience a significant devaluation that feels profoundly dehumanising.

In love, we find ourselves settling for the bare minimum. Our natural selflessness leads us to celebrate mere basic decency in others as if they were grand romantic gestures. But they're not. We misinterpret these actions, believing they signify a deeper commitment. But they don't.

This acceptance chips away at us internally.

We felt complimented when we got treated like a shiny new toy, saying, "You're so calm, so peaceful—unlike any woman I've met before."

We worked hard for that peace — that untouched self-assurance — that composure. So, of course, we thought it was a compliment.

But before long, loving someone can take that away from us.

They cross your boundaries, then call you crazy for getting angry.

They get defensive when you express your feelings, then tell you that you're nagging too much.

They dismiss your rational discussions but call you overreacting when you resort to being emotional.

Every attempt you make to peacefully assert your boundaries is met with indifference, but then they accuse you for picking up a fight when those boundaries are violated.

They liked that you were attractive, but resent you when others notice it too, all while they freely admire other women while at it, making you feel so...less.

We're adults. So, why can't we just be honest? They say communication is key — that when you have conflicts, avoiding them doesn't make them go away; on the contrary, it nurtures them into resentment. But when I say 'honest', it's also not just with each other but with ourselves. Because communication without comprehension is an illusion of reconciliation. And comprehension can only exist when we're truly honest with ourselves. Closing our ears and our eyes toward others' pain doesn't just deny their existence; it also denies yours. It doesn't just dehumanise them; it dehumanises you too.

Eventually, all this dims our light. And you worry you're not enough anymore. That you've changed. Because you're no longer that 'peaceful' person they once saw. So you hate yourself.

Then we lose faith in the fairytale of love, realising it's not what we need.

I've always believed that trusting and opening up to someone isn't naivety; it's bravery in the face of risk.

But nothing signifies the courage of a woman more than her courage to choose to let go. Not because of the clichéd 'she chooses herself', but because you can wholeheartedly let go of someone from your life, and still be full of love within. There are just so many more others in the world in need of your love; choose them wisely.