Expectations are compliments

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been taught that to be a woman means to expect nothing. That life would be smoother, happier, more fulfilling if only I could free myself from the burden of expectation.

"Don’t expect—expectation is the root of disappointment."

"You’re upset because you expected too much."

These phrases sounded to me like wisdom. In reality, they are little more than a well-packaged warning for women: expect nothing, demand nothing, and you will suffer less.

Patriarchal men have long demonised women’s expectations, dismissing them as unreasonable, excessive, even comical.

They call it nagging. Nag, nag, nag. That’s what women do: they nag.

The trope is so deeply ingrained that a group of husbands can joke about it over drinks without a second thought:

"Don’t stay out too late, or you’ll have to deal with her nagging." 

"What was it this time? Leaving a glass on the table without a coaster?"

It’s this same casual dismissal that likely birthed the phrase "happy wife, happy life." On the surface, it sounds pleasant enough—an innocent quip about keeping your partner content. But scratch just beneath, and it reeks of resentment. As though women’s happiness is an irrational burden. As though the only thing standing between men and a happy life is a woman’s endless demands.

We never hear the reverse, though, do we? "Happy husband, happy life." And yet, we know what happens when men aren’t happy. Globally, 1.2 billion women bear the weight of men's dissatisfaction through domestic violence. That’s the real-world consequence of men’s unhappiness, but somehow, they’re the ones who can’t handle a simple expectation. Boohoo. Women are the problem, because we nag.

What’s absurd is how little we acknowledge that expectations, at their core, are a form of faith. To expect something from someone is to believe in their character, in their potential, in what they’re capable of becoming. Expectations are not only natural but essential. They create the conditions for growth. They push us toward becoming better partners, making better choices, being better people.

Disappointment, even anger, is not an overreaction—it’s a human response when someone we love hurts us or lets us down. Of course, expectations should come with love, support, and encouragement, not just demands. But when a person stops expecting anything from their partner, isn’t that the real red flag? Doesn’t that signal the absence of hope? The absence of belief? The absence of love?

And that’s what I’ve come to realize: this blanket vilification of expectations isn’t a reflection of women—it’s a reflection of the men who fear them.

Because to fear expectations is to reveal something deeper—

—that they’re unwilling—or unable—to meet their partner’s needs—

—that they’d rather dodge responsibility than put in the effort—

—that they resent accountability—

—that they are too proud, too lazy, or too entitled to do the work required of a healthy relationship.

And so, what we should fear most is not expectation—it’s the absence of it.

The day our partner stops asking, stops hoping, stops believing we are capable of more. The day we hear the words:"There is nothing left to expect from you." "You're right, there's nothing more I can expect from you."

That, to me, is the greatest insult one could ever receive.

And I’d bet—for men and women alike—it would feel far more degrading than any so-called nagging.

Just food for thought.